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Notice small tension in your body, your tone of voice, and level of frustration.
​Are you getting activated?

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, but when constant and explosive anger spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your relationships, your health, and your state of mind. Developing important insight about the real reasons for your anger,  you can learn to keep your temper from hijacking your life.

Understanding anger
The emotion of anger is neither good nor bad. Like any emotion, it’s conveying a message to our brain, telling you that a situation is upsetting, or unjust, or threatening. If your knee-jerk reaction to anger is to explode, that message never has a chance to be expressed verbally, but we act behaviorally off. So while it’s perfectly normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged, anger becomes a problem when you express it and act it out in a way that harms yourself or others. That’s where anger management comes in.

The aim of anger management isn’t to suppress feelings of anger but rather to understand the message behind the emotion and express it in a healthy way without causing harm. When you do, you’ll not only feel better about yourself, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met, be better able to mediate conflict in your life, and strengthen your relationships. Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will become.

Myths and facts about anger

Myth: "I got angry because I was drunk or high... Its the Alcohol's fault!"
Fact: Most people do not engage in harmful behavior while being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Non-abusive people do not assault their partners even if they had too much to drink. The people who assault their partners while under the influence ALSO engage in patterns of coercive and controlling behavior. When they are sober they also tend to believe they have a right to control their partners in an assaultive manner. In other words substance abuse just makes their abuse worse, but it not the cause of anger.

Myth: I shouldn’t “hold in” my anger. It’s healthy to vent and let it out.​
Fact: While it’s true that suppressing anger is unhealthy, venting is no better. Anger is not something you have to “freely let out” in an aggressive way in order to feel bette. In fact, outbursts and tirades only fuel the fire and reinforce your anger problem and can be perceived as threatening and intimidating to others wether you meant it or not.

Myth:Being aggressive and tough helps me earn respect and get what I want.
Fact: Respect doesn’t come from bullying others, respect is earned by modeling itself. People or your children may be afraid of you, but they won’t respect you if you can’t control yourself or handle opposing viewpoints. Others will be more willing to listen to you and accommodate your needs if you communicate in a respectful way.

Myth: I can’t help myself. My anger isn’t something I can control... It just happens!
Fact: Domestic violence offenders have complete control of their anger and use it to help coerce their partner.

Picture this: You are standing in front of a DV judge who is telling you committed an offense.
1- Do you explode in court and tell the judge off while insulting him/her?
​2- Or do you carefully manage NOT to explode knowing the following consequences of a potential arrest?

Offenders are very capable to control their anger because they know there would be serious consequences if they failed to do so. They abuse their partners behind doors because there is no accountability, and an offender often thinks he/she is entitled to do so. And there is a long history of acting abusively with no accountability consequences to them.

You can’t always control the situation you’re in or how it makes you feel, but you can control how you express your anger. And you can express your anger without being verbally or physically abusive. Even if someone is pushing your buttons, you always have a choice about how to respond.

Anger Management: why is it important?

  • Out-of-control anger can damage your relationships, impair your judgment, get in the way of success, and have a negative impact on the way people see you.
  • Out-of-control anger hurts your physical health. Constantly operating at high levels of stress and anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure. 
  • Out-of-control anger hurts your mental health. Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate or enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems.
  • Out-of-control anger hurts your career. Constructive criticism, creative differences, and heated debate can be healthy. But lashing out only alienates your colleagues, supervisors, or clients and erodes their respect.
  • Out-of-control anger hurts your relationships with others. It causes lasting scars in the people you love most and gets in the way of friendships and work relationships. Explosive  anger makes it hard for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable—and is especially damaging to children.

Anger Management tips

1-Explore what’s really behind your anger
Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed.

Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings. In order to express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?

If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, it’s likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings.
This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged.

As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger. Anger can also be a symptom

of underlying health problems, such as depression, trauma, or chronic stress.

2-Clues that there’s more to your anger
You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede

a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the

angry person got his or her way

by being the loudest and most demanding.

  • Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability. 
  • You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger. 
  • Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control?
  • Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you?

Everyone has those emotions so you may be using anger as a cover for them. 

  • You view different opinions as a personal challenge. 
  • Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? 
  • If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other
    perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of
    looking at things.

Reconnect with your emotions to manage anger. If you are uncomfortable with different
emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to situations, it’s
important to get back in touch with your feelings.

3: Recognize anger warning signs and triggers
Anger fuels the body’s “fight or flight”response so while you might feel that you just explode
without warning, there are physical warning signs that your body is preparing to react.
Recognizing these signs allows 
you to take steps to manage your anger before it boils over.

  • Note how anger feels in your body. 
  • Is your stomach knotted, your hands or jaw clenched, your muscles tense?
  • Do you feel clammy or flushed? Is your heart pounding or are you breathing faster?

Identify negative thought patterns that trigger anger. You may think that external things— 
frustrating people or situations—are causing your anger. But anger problems have more to do with negative thinking patterns, such as having a rigid view of the way things should be and getting angry when reality doesn’t match up. Or maybe you overlook the positive things while letting small irritations mount? Or do you blame others for bad things that happen

rather than taking responsibility for your own life?

Recognize situations that trigger anger. 

Stressful events don’t excuse anger, but understanding how these events affect you can help you avoid

unnecessary aggravation. 

  • Do you get into a fight every time you go out for drinks with certain friends?
  • Or does the traffic on your daily commute drive you crazy?
  • Think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it doesn’t
  • provoke anger.

​4- Learn ways to diffuse anger
Once you recognize the warning signs, you can take steps to manage your anger before it spins out of control.

  • Exercise! Even just a brisk walk around the block can release pent-up energy and enable you to approach the situation with a cooler head. Exercise relieves stress, lowers blood pressure, and releases powerful endorphins that improve your mood. It can also put some welcome time and space between you and the stressful or frustrating situation. Rather than focusing on your anger as you exercise, focus instead on how your body feels as you move—such as the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, or the feeling of the wind on your skin, or the rhythm of your breathing. 
  • Manage stress: The more stressed you are, the more likely you are to lose your temper.  But no matter how stressful your life seems, there are steps you can take to relieve the pressure and regain control.

  • Connect regularly with friends and family. There is nothing more calming to your nervous system than communicating face to face with people who care about you. Your friends don’t have to be able to fix your stress; they just need to be good listeners. 
  • Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help reduce stress and boost feelings of well-being. Try yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.
  • Adopt a healthy lifestyle. ​Getting enough sleep, eating well, reducing your caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and sugar intake, and making time for fun in your life can increase your resistance to stress and make it easier to manage anger.

5- Manage anger in the PRESENT
In certain situations—an argument with your boss, for example—taking time out to go for a walk or hit the gym may not be practical. These tips can help you cool down in the moment:

  • Focus on the physical sensations of anger. While it may seem counterintuitive, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re angry often lessens the emotional intensity of your anger.
  • Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. Breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much air as possible into your lungs.
  • Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your senses—sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try picturing yourself in a favorite place or squeezing a stress ball.
  • Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck, scalp.
  • Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.
  • Take a moment to think about the situation. Ask yourself: How important is it in the grand scheme of things? Is it really worth getting angry about it? Is my response appropriate to the situation?

6: Know when to seek professional help. CALL US (805) 242-2502
If you’ve tried these anger management techniques and your anger is still spiraling out of control, you may need more help. There are many therapists, classes, and programs for people with anger management problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

Consider professional help for anger management if:

  • You feel constantly frustrated and angry no matter what you try.
  • Your temper causes problems at work or in your relationships.
  • You avoid new events and people because you feel like you can’t control your temper.
  • You have gotten in trouble with the law due to your anger.
  • Your anger has ever led to physical violence.


​You may feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, but remember you’re not to blame for your loved one’s anger management problem.

And there’s no excuse for physically or verbally abusive behavior.

Dealing with a loved one’s anger management problem
While you can’t control another person’s anger, you can control how you respond to it:

  • Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.
  • Wait for a time when you are both calm to talk to your loved one about the anger problem. Don’t bring it up
  • when either one of you is already angry.
  • Remove yourself from the situation if your loved one does not calm down.
  • Consider counseling or therapy if you are having a hard time standing up for yourself.
  • Put your safety first. If you feel unsafe or threatened in any way, get away from your loved one

​Despite what many believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his temper, but a deliberate choice to control. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that your partner needs specialized treatment.

  • You feel constantly frustrated and angry no matter what you try.
  • Your temper causes problems at work or in your relationships.
  • You avoid new events and people because you feel like you can’t control your temper.
  • You have gotten in trouble with the law due to your anger.
  • Your anger has ever led to physical violence.

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available. 

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). Available for both women and men





You are now triggered, yelling, hurtful, and talking does not help.
to cool down for 20 minutes and return only when cooled off.





court certified batterer intervention and anger management ​programs for Santa Barbara County