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court certified batterer intervention and anger management ​programs for Santa Barbara County 

​​​​​ANGER MANAGEMENT SPECIALISTS​


​

TEXT 805-242-2502 

STEPS TO A SAFE TIMEOUT​​​​​​
Time out is an action to keep yourself and others safe and stop from hurting others 
or making the situation worse.

STAY CONNECTED

​​Pay attention to your tone of voice and stress level. Do HALT and self care and let it go!

 You are already causing serious harm here, verbally and mostlikely physically. 

Do I feel: 
Hungry?
Angry?
Lonely?
Tired?

Basic Steps ​f​or time-outs:

  • Stop what you are doing or saying and choose to take time out.
  • Just STOP​ arguing/texting/yelling ect...
  • Say ‘I am feeling very angry right now ​a​nd I need to cool off but I will come back
    in an hours (choose a reasonable time to come back).
  • DO NOT leave the scene yelling and slamming doors.
    This will probably​ activate your ​partner to chase you and re-engage in the argument.



If they cry and beg you not to go:

  • You must leave anyway, and ignore all texts, ​calls, and pleads to stay.
  • Reassure that you will come back when you said you would.


​​During the time-out:

  • When away, try breathing, walking, listening to music, or make your​ body do ​or
    MOVE like riding a bike, playing sports or exercise
  • until you get in a clearer and safer frame of mind. 
  • DO NOT use substances​, no alcohol, no drugs. You are not escaping!
  • THINK – What were you doing or saying that may have upset your partner? and how
    did you say it​? Were you yelling, did you insult them?. 
    ​Think of a new plan to deal with future situations better and safer.​​ Plan.     ​


Returning From Time Out and when you are reasonably calmer:

  • Re-evaluate safety​ upon your return. If you feel still heated, take another time out. Say "I am not ready"
  • Make a conscious effort to make a fresh effort to solve the problem or find a compromise together. Win-win for both parties
  • Make and offer a cup of coffee, tea etc for you both. No alcohol, stay clear headed.
  • Talk in a different room, sit down on the floor to ground.
  • Talk in a quieter tone and in a lower volume. 
  • Leave a pause after the other person has spoken. Allow yourself to listen
  • Talk calmly with out sarcasm or digs
  • ​If things escalate again take another ‘time out’. Its's ok to repeat the steps!



Basic Communication Skills
When you are ready to talk, ​you can use this formula:

  • I feel . . . (angry, hurt, sad, alone, afraid, ignored, devalued, upset)
  • When . . . (state the ACT that bothers you, no blaming, ​judging)
  • I would like/prefer/want . . . (no demands, just requests)


​Remember: You don't always get what you want. This is because others have choices too.

© 2023. ANGER MANAGEMENT SPECIALISTS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

COMMON CONSEQUENCES FOR NOT TAKING TIMEOUTS

  1. Serious injuries
  2. Spouse & children are scared
  3. Police gets called to arrest
  4. Probation violation = Jail
  5. Long term impact of children
  6. Jails, legal fees
  7. Guilt and remorse, but its too late
  8. Restraining orders
  9. Possibly relationship ends

You



 

You are now triggered, yelling, hurtful, and talking does not help.
TIME OUT NOW BEFORE
​ITS TOO LATE
Get in a calmer state of mind.